After going back and forth a few times and thinking about leaving Delhi again for the weekend I decided yesterday to stay instead of go. Today I am at the house by myself. One of my good friends left this morning (having to say goodbye to people every single week is not fun!) and everyone else is at Agra seeing the Taj Mahal which I already did. So that leaves just me!! Five weeks ago when I got here the thought of an entire afternoon alone here would have literally scared me to death but last night I was actually really looking forward to it. I took as long as I wanted to shower and do my laundry thing morning without the pressure of 11 other girls wanting to be in the bathroom, I organized the mess that had become my suitcase and am just enjoying some time chilling out. I am going out to see a few things later this afternoon and sometimes really like traveling around by myself. It makes me feel less like a tourist and more like in a small way I can sort of call Delhi “home”.
I am shocked when I think I only have two weeks left here before I have to go home. Though there are a few things I am looking forward to when I get home, in general two weeks DOES NOT seem like enough time. Some of you are probably laughing at that statement since I have yet to really feel comfortable with the amount of time I had left since arriving. No matter how many weeks passed, the time I had left still felt overwhelming. I have never necessarily felt that homesick and never wanted to go home in the moment but sometimes thinking about how much time I had left made me feel anxious. Well, now with just two weeks left I want to stand still and last as long as possible!!
The saddest part is the thought of only having ten days left with my kids. My placement has been quit the up and down experience. While I have been there they have gone through some major staff changes (for reasons I don’t understand: I am not told and I don’t really want to get involved and asked!) which has made things hard for the rest of the staff, the children and myself. It was especially hard when the coordinator left because she was the only person who could really communicate in English. My partner for the first three weeks and this coordinator all left at the same time and I was left with absolutely no one to hold an English conversation with. It was really hard and the first few days this week seem long. Wednesday though a new woman came and is exactly what this place needs. She sat with me (she can speak English and has saved my sanity!) and asked for my honest opinion about the way things were done and we came up with a plan for my last two and a half weeks for what she wants me to teach. Her methods and plans make a lot more sense and I really think the kids are going to be able to learn so much more not just from me but hopefully in the long run this way.
The major issue i have seen is that kids can do things like count to 100 and say their ABCs but when I show them a word and ask them to tell me the letters they have no idea. Same idea with numbers. A girl counted to 100 for me last week and I showed her a card with a 3 on it and she had no idea what it was. When it comes to letters they also have no idea what sounds any letters make and can often only relate the letter to the certain que word. So I show them an R and they have no idea, I say rabbit and they know that “r is for rabbit”. When asking them to say letters they often say the related word instead of the letter. So when going over months of the year on Friday someone spelled May ‘M-A-Yo yo”. Who knew yo-yo had become a word!! With some practice though I have some kids (I think!) starting to understand the sounds. Friday was a huge day for me where I really felt like I got through to a lot of them. A group was sounding out the months for me, a little girl I have been working on writing with (everything from Hindi to English to numbers) wrote some flawless 5s and 6s for me and one of my little math boys who I taught to identify 1-10 the first week I was there was able to give me numbers in the 100,000s. I usually leave around 5 and after already skipping lunch I looked at my watch and it was 5:30. Oops!!
It was days like Friday where I see God looking down on me saying “See, you can make a difference”. My time in India has caused me to feel every emotion I can think of in the strongest way possible: fear, excitement, anger, happiness and everything in between. I am used to my service trips making me feel so close to God. I truly believe their is no greater way I can serve my God than by serving his people. We are His hands and feet here on earth and it is our responsibility to help those around us who have not been given what we have. Being in India has challenged my faith more than I ever imagined. It doesn’t seem far that I have been blessed with so much and these people seem to be given so little. My first few weeks I felt so angry and confused. And everything in my head still isn’t perfect. I still am questioning so much that once seemed so easy for me to believe. I wanted to be challenged. I wanted to be so extremely uncomfortable I thought I couldn’t do it. I wanted feel like I couldn’t deal with everything around me and make my only choice turning to God. It was easy to say I wanted these things. It’s a lot harder to actually have to live through these experiences.
Austin (our amazing youth minister at Newman) always tells us on retreats, service trips, etc. to “be where our feet our”. It is something that I have always struggled with. I let my mind wonder to school, friends, boys, to do list and so many other things besides what I have come for. I feel like I have never felt more “where my feet our” than here. I am doing perfect. I still let my mind wonder back to Ohio more than I want. I check my email and facebook more than I want. Even my dreams wonder back to old Columbus town almost every night. But Monday-Friday from 10-5 I am here. In India. With my children. Every ounce of me. I realize how in the zone I become and sometimes get the chills, smile and close my eyes and just thank God for this experience. It’s hard. Really hard. But when I look back on my time here I know I will be much more likely to remember the laugh of a child and smile on their face when something clicks than any of the hard moments.
Every prayer, e-mail, facebook message and thought means more than any of you could imagine. As always, I could never have done this without every single one of you. Keep changing the world everywhere you are, love and miss you guys!
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